" ur biased....im crude, tainted and used..."

Words that seemed to echo in my mind even though only reading it through the illuminated screen of my pink sony ericsson w580i.
I could just hear her voice telling me those exact words, the arguement the same almost all the time, usually starting with some issue about time and ending with a meloncholy mood, often involving the phrase changing but the meaning still the same

"...u shouldnt love me..."

"ull find someone better than me, theyll love u more than i can, the way u want and deserve to be loved"
"all i do is hurt u, disappoint u, make u angry and sad and cry..."
"i didnt think ud wait for me..i thought ud get over me, like the others...i didnt kno.."
"i thank whoevers up there that u chose me...god, i love u..."

And now I realize I was biased. Blind. She'd been right :/ I was biased, narrowsighted to the truth, yeah she is used, she's the one with lower standards, yes she is tainted, trying to fill an emptiness in herself I once filled, an emptiness I filled with love.

"its fun loving u hunnie! =D"
"u make me feel loved for once...ive only ever felt used..."

& it's a crippling kind of pain. One leaving you shuddering where you stand, having to sit down and curl yourself up, holding yourself together with your own arms to make sure you don't fall apart, tearing at the seams. The pain starts at your core, your heart, and radiates down the arms and flows into to the body, more paralyzing than a bad piece of fugu [lol]. 
Remembering all the memories that are better off tucked away and not dwelled in.  The attacks happen randomly, days when sadness and memories are the farthest from your mind, attacking when you've let your guard down. Thoughts seep into your head like a tissue being dropped in a puddle. It's a heavy impact of things, possible regret, feeling thrown away and shelved, lonely and just plain in pain and sad. 

Happy memories of a happier time float into my head, making the tears jerk out, draining the feeling out of me. Remembering when I sleptover when the parents were on a trip, body too sore to move and just plain tired after a long night with only two hours of sleep, at the most. Nights like that are hard to keep in the back of my head, what with not knowing if I regret them or not. I remember every
"aishiteru, yuki seme"
followed by soft kisses
"I love you too, baby"
or being too out of breath to do or say much of anything
"onegai.."
all the while you telling me how much I'd blush the whole time, or how 'hot' I'd seem to you, or any other dirty adjective, what have you. It's all too much sometimes in breakdowns like that, the magnitude of everything we've said, felt and did for and to eachother, yet seemed all too worth it at the time, love backing up our every action, no matter how lustful or loving. Times of having to be dragged out of bed, covers pulled from beneath me as I fell, waking me the fuck up, being threatened with  'getting fresh' deprivation. Not to mention breakfast. I need food after shit like that. Long nights like that always came back to get me in the morning, sometimes crying from the pain, but it's my own damn fault, you always felt at fault but I asked for it all, really.

 Or the time you burnt a mug, the ones with the rubber grip built on it,  you accidentally microwaved it,haha..or the time when you tripped on a curb while bragging about your performance on me in bed, or also the time when you put the five spices into the french toast, thinking it was cinnamon..and how caitlin would always answer my calls but not yours, then the time we saw sydney at prestiege portaits, and you said she lookedl ike white Jesus..then there was the time you banged into the TV, thinking it was your mom, and apologizing to it..you'd just gotten your surgery at the time, eye swollen and red, but I still loved your swollen-ness..it made your face look cute, even if your face was too numb to feel me kiss you softly, you'd gotten so sad at that..I was just happy you weren't hurt too seriously. I was so afraid when I first heard you got hurt, and they didn't know what was wrong. I stayed up all night playing bejeweled on msn, the game being my only outlet of dealing with the frustration.  

Then there would be all the times where you'd oogle at how 'cute' I seemed to be. Flipping my hair at the ends where it flips up, calling them puppy dog ears. I was always a pouting puppy to you, you'd poke my lips and laugh as I sat there, seemingly pouting cause my lip was swollen from you biting it too hard
"my cute pet puppy..ur so cute babe haha =D"
"I luv it when u squeak! cute cute cute! =D"
"aww, baby's pouting..D="
"I wuv u baby! =D"

stupid penis-looking smilies.

  It blows, it sucks and you never wanted to feel this way but have the pathetic excuse of "I can't help it" It doesn't happen often, breaking down, but when it does, it's just one of those things that really hit the fucking fan. I hate feeling so down, drained and defeated, three D's in my life I could go without. Makes me feel stupid and pathetic, but then I have to remember, everyone just has one of those days once in a while, and that was just one of those moments where everything is just shit. One must remmeber that its a new day tomorrow, and thank whoevers 'up there' that I'm going out today, or else I'd rot at home, probably sinking into another day of drudging around with the memories and shit bugging me.

k enough emo-ness. If that was too disgusting for you and you're actually still reading this, I'm sorry.

Tomorrow's a new day. And I'm hapy for that. enough being down now, it's not worth it :D

it's better to keep them tucked away, locked up where they belong,

DoWN & OUt
 

 

I can't sleep again [hardly surprising,it's summer]
tossing and turning and debating with myself.
and then I remember all I've done until now and realize how close I am.
To evolving. [lol emi]

this is on my myspace as well, since I've renovated it. It was in need of renovation, I had no layout and some old shit on it in the about me and stuff. but now its rainbow licious, you should check it out if you haven't yet ,cause:

<the beginning of the end>

I'm creating my new self.
I'm done holding onto things, and while I may still have my ups and downs, I'm moving on day by day, getting farther and farther from my old self yet closer and closer to the new things ahead of me. I'm so excited to start over with myself, and see everything I can see, enjoy and be happy with myself, alone. No longer connotating happiness with your presence, love with your face, and togetherness with the brush of your skin and sound of our staggered breathing.

My "I miss you"

Is fading in the sand.

</the end>

haha the sand part. I wrote it in the sand back in..what was it, february? When I was with ana and kristin that day she left her only tie in the sand and we had to go back a second time cause she forgot her cell there too. Ana had told me it'd fade in time, and I wouldn't come to miss that person anymore. It's slowly fading and it's losing its meaninggggg.  I still need to get rid of my necklace though. I was told to throw it away, but I just don't think that's right. :/ any other suggestions? gimme some. I can't have it around anymore or I'll be tempted to put it back on everyday, and wear it day by day, as a symbol I still belong to fdfgh. So I need to think about wtf to do with it. Maybe I can pawn it? At least I'd get some money... :/

Well now it's 4:45..
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

EDIT: titty told me she wanted to make a song afer my msn smessage thing: 進んで行く-✖-liveON!
I like it. I should make lyrics. But it's 5 to 5 [4:55] and I should try to get back to bed now.

POST.

GoOD mOUrNinG