進んで行く-✖-liveON!

This may be too long, detailed and emo for you.

2009-07-05T14:34:57Z

" ur biased....im crude, tainted and used..."

Words that seemed to echo in my mind even though only reading it through the illuminated screen of my pink sony ericsson w580i.
I could just hear her voice telling me those exact words, the arguement the same almost all the time, usually starting with some issue about time and ending with a meloncholy mood, often involving the phrase changing but the meaning still the same

"...u shouldnt love me..."

"ull find someone better than me, theyll love u more than i can, the way u want and deserve to be loved"
"all i do is hurt u, disappoint u, make u angry and sad and cry..."
"i didnt think ud wait for me..i thought ud get over me, like the others...i didnt kno.."
"i thank whoevers up there that u chose me...god, i love u..."

And now I realize I was biased. Blind. She'd been right :/ I was biased, narrowsighted to the truth, yeah she is used, she's the one with lower standards, yes she is tainted, trying to fill an emptiness in herself I once filled, an emptiness I filled with love.

"its fun loving u hunnie! =D"
"u make me feel loved for once...ive only ever felt used..."

& it's a crippling kind of pain. One leaving you shuddering where you stand, having to sit down and curl yourself up, holding yourself together with your own arms to make sure you don't fall apart, tearing at the seams. The pain starts at your core, your heart, and radiates down the arms and flows into to the body, more paralyzing than a bad piece of fugu [lol].
Remembering all the memories that are better off tucked away and not dwelled in. The attacks happen randomly, days when sadness and memories are the farthest from your mind, attacking when you've let your guard down. Thoughts seep into your head like a tissue being dropped in a puddle. It's a heavy impact of things, possible regret, feeling thrown away and shelved, lonely and just plain in pain and sad.

Happy memories of a happier time float into my head, making the tears jerk out, draining the feeling out of me. Remembering when I sleptover when the parents were on a trip, body too sore to move and just plain tired after a long night with only two hours of sleep, at the most. Nights like that are hard to keep in the back of my head, what with not knowing if I regret them or not. I remember every
"aishiteru, yuki seme"
followed by soft kisses
"I love you too, baby"
or being too out of breath to do or say much of anything
"onegai.."
all the while you telling me how much I'd blush the whole time, or how 'hot' I'd seem to you, or any other dirty adjective, what have you. It's all too much sometimes in breakdowns like that, the magnitude of everything we've said, felt and did for and to eachother, yet seemed all too worth it at the time, love backing up our every action, no matter how lustful or loving. Times of having to be dragged out of bed, covers pulled from beneath me as I fell, waking me the fuck up, being threatened with 'getting fresh' deprivation. Not to mention breakfast. I need food after shit like that. Long nights like that always came back to get me in the morning, sometimes crying from the pain, but it's my own damn fault, you always felt at fault but I asked for it all, really.

Or the time you burnt a mug, the ones with the rubber grip built on it, you accidentally microwaved it,haha..or the time when you tripped on a curb while bragging about your performance on me in bed, or also the time when you put the five spices into the french toast, thinking it was cinnamon..and how caitlin would always answer my calls but not yours, then the time we saw sydney at prestiege portaits, and you said she lookedl ike white Jesus..then there was the time you banged into the TV, thinking it was your mom, and apologizing to it..you'd just gotten your surgery at the time, eye swollen and red, but I still loved your swollen-ness..it made your face look cute, even if your face was too numb to feel me kiss you softly, you'd gotten so sad at that..I was just happy you weren't hurt too seriously. I was so afraid when I first heard you got hurt, and they didn't know what was wrong. I stayed up all night playing bejeweled on msn, the game being my only outlet of dealing with the frustration.

Then there would be all the times where you'd oogle at how 'cute' I seemed to be. Flipping my hair at the ends where it flips up, calling them puppy dog ears. I was always a pouting puppy to you, you'd poke my lips and laugh as I sat there, seemingly pouting cause my lip was swollen from you biting it too hard
"my cute pet puppy..ur so cute babe haha =D"
"I luv it when u squeak! cute cute cute! =D"
"aww, baby's pouting..D="
"I wuv u baby! =D"

stupid penis-looking smilies.

It blows, it sucks and you never wanted to feel this way but have the pathetic excuse of "I can't help it" It doesn't happen often, breaking down, but when it does, it's just one of those things that really hit the fucking fan. I hate feeling so down, drained and defeated, three D's in my life I could go without. Makes me feel stupid and pathetic, but then I have to remember, everyone just has one of those days once in a while, and that was just one of those moments where everything is just shit. One must remmeber that its a new day tomorrow, and thank whoevers 'up there' that I'm going out today, or else I'd rot at home, probably sinking into another day of drudging around with the memories and shit bugging me.

k enough emo-ness. If that was too disgusting for you and you're actually still reading this, I'm sorry.

Tomorrow's a new day. And I'm hapy for that. enough being down now, it's not worth it :D

it's better to keep them tucked away, locked up where they belong,

DoWN & OUt

my friends find funny things :D

2009-07-02T12:13:03Z

Yes. We have odd humor. especially for things like matsujun's face on various disney zac efron pictures :D

GoOD mOUrNinG

2009-06-30T14:57:25Z

I can't sleep again [hardly surprising,it's summer]
tossing and turning and debating with myself.
and then I remember all I've done until now and realize how close I am.
To evolving. [lol emi]

this is on my myspace as well, since I've renovated it. It was in need of renovation, I had no layout and some old shit on it in the about me and stuff. but now its rainbow licious, you should check it out if you haven't yet ,cause:

I'm creating my new self.
I'm done holding onto things, and while I may still have my ups and downs, I'm moving on day by day, getting farther and farther from my old self yet closer and closer to the new things ahead of me. I'm so excited to start over with myself, and see everything I can see, enjoy and be happy with myself, alone. No longer connotating happiness with your presence, love with your face, and togetherness with the brush of your skin and sound of our staggered breathing.

My "I miss you"

Is fading in the sand.

</the end>

haha the sand part. I wrote it in the sand back in..what was it, february? When I was with ana and kristin that day she left her only tie in the sand and we had to go back a second time cause she forgot her cell there too. Ana had told me it'd fade in time, and I wouldn't come to miss that person anymore. It's slowly fading and it's losing its meaninggggg. I still need to get rid of my necklace though. I was told to throw it away, but I just don't think that's right. :/ any other suggestions? gimme some. I can't have it around anymore or I'll be tempted to put it back on everyday, and wear it day by day, as a symbol I still belong to fdfgh. So I need to think about wtf to do with it. Maybe I can pawn it? At least I'd get some money... :/

Well now it's 4:45..
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

EDIT: titty told me she wanted to make a song afer my msn smessage thing: 進んで行く-✖-liveON!
I like it. I should make lyrics. But it's 5 to 5 [4:55] and I should try to get back to bed now.

POST.

GoOD mOUrNinG

終わらないＣＹＣＬＥ＆--//precious moments?

2009-06-27T23:31:14Z

I make this easier to read for people who suck at Kanji, like me.

またたたかった
Ｘはぜんぶをすててる時しゃしんを見た
ＦＢに写真をけいじした。
今ごろはりりくした、今ごろきえてしまうよ
どのぐらいつらい
今分かる
あたしｊａｃｋａｓｓだった、
でも、ａｐｏｌｏｇｙをあげた　（＞。＞）／
色々な事についてをたたかった
ハー…

we fight a lot these past few months, and rockily make up.we both bring up things that we should just leave alone. we're our own undoing.

とにかく！～

I may work at precious moments. LOL. helen's supervisor saw my app for shirokiya and talked to helen about it, since i put helen's name down for people I knew that worked for shirokiya. I kinda don't wanna work there, but beggars can't be choosers I suppose..and I'm DESPERATE. Everyone has a freaking job. It seems so hard for me to get one, wtf >>

I think I may be using my face wipes too much. My face is getting dry and it hurts whenever I use the wipes..so I'm gonna stop using it for a couple days..

how may I bless you today?

ーじゃー

古い記憶　-old memories-

2009-06-26T07:25:34Z

先日、ある物古い記憶を燃やした
それがいった。本当
すっごくいらないものだった
どんなものだった？
ちょうううううううううううううううううううううううううふてきとう物
本当に知りたくとも、あたしに聞く～ｗｗ　\（。ｖ。）／
燃やしているものを見ながら、新たにする気がした
燃やした写真のかけらは風でふいた
「君のかおは燃やした」

とにかく～

今、しんめがみてんせいをする
本当に面白い
東京に鬼にいるので、たおしなければならない
ハハ、楽しい～ｗｗ

It was a really refreshing day. I feel so renewed (: It felt really good to burn shit LOL. I'm a pyromaniac now. Starting over is fun.

WHITE　WORLDにラップを書いた。歌を具現してみている。

weird things.

2009-06-22T14:19:36Z

木にぶつける。
友達と一緒に晩御飯を食べた
ラビオリにした、私ともう一人の私は分担した
でも、辛うじて食べた、はは
そのあとで、カラオケに行った、やきゅうせんしゅうと一緒
ちょっとへん、私に質問に聞いた
すこしだけ
だから、大丈夫
すごく悪くなかった
帰り道で、ミシェルは初めの降ろす人
私は二番目の降ろす人
チェルシーのけいたいはほしかった
けど
おっぱいに入れた

英語にタイプする、つかれているね

SO.
she put it in her boobs, and told me toi "go fishing" for it.
I did NOT want to attempt that, and so tried to get it out of her hands when she was texting, which is now ILLEGAL in the state of hawaii now.
TXTING AT THE WHEEL,srsly dude. anyway, i still never succeeded in getting it. after a while, she put it in her freaking CROTCH. it looked like she had a bner for me ;D and again told me to go fish for it -___-
i was not about to go there either, so when it was by her leg i grabbed at it, with no avail.
we got to my house and cierra, who burabura suru with her belt around her dress which never helped her form one bit
my mom tried to make me wear a dress with a belt like that
I didnt wanna
even though my mom was all like
NO PORSCHE YOU LOOK HIP, HOT, YOU STYLISH
i didn;t like it.
x__x;;

so we got to my house...as I was opening the door, the ass kept poking my ass so i asked
"yeah do you want something"
she said [not much to my surprise]
" u kno wat i want =P"
Jesus christ. as if leaning over me menacingly as i sat on the hood of your car wasn't enough back at the karaoke's parking lot.
GTFO ME YOU FUCKER.
and so I brought the ass and cierra in [cierra wanted to see my dog] she got mauled by simba, and i laughed. i gave the bag of shit back to the ass, who threw the gifts back on the bed and told me not to give shit back to her that she gave me as gifts, but at least I had gotten her clothes back to her.
THEN THE STRUGGLE FOR THE PHONE WAS BACK. i grabbed, struggled and
-plop-
she pushed me on the bed.
I dragged her down with me.
therefore, her landing on me, leaving a very shocked cierra standing at my door
"I can leave if you guys want me to..."
then my sister came down the stairs
and the age old excuse from back in the day [imadeyoulatetobattingpractice?]
"football tag"

sigh, so then after that they left. leaving me home, alone, with awkward thoughts and feelings.
super awkward.
WHY PUSH ME ON THE BED, FUCKER?!
so all the weird stuff made me feel weird. real weird.
and in txt today after joking around about it, she tells me she won't starting anything where she knows one of us [namely me, probably] would get hurt.
too late?
hah.
it doesn't matter to me anymore
I believe I have already experienced the most painful thing up to date in my life as of yet
why the hell not add another regret to the list?
[foolaroundwithmeagain]
[justlikebackthen]

&in the end I know, know that I'd probably end up your toy, your pet again;
trained to submit and obey your whispered orders.

ーおやすみー

shu_chanx1 @ 2009-02-17T02:10:00

2009-02-16T12:16:16Z

さぁ、さしぶりだね～
its been a looooonggggg while.

life is retarded
but funny
and great
but depressing
and sad
but
not all the time
LOL.
im full of fail but thats okay

fault

2008-10-31T06:02:22Z

私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい
私のせい

進んで行く-✖-liveON!

This may be too long, detailed and emo for you.

my friends find funny things :D

GoOD mOUrNinG

終わらないＣＹＣＬＥ＆--//precious moments?

古い記憶 -old memories-

weird things.

shu_chanx1 @ 2009-02-17T02:10:00

fault

古い記憶　-old memories-